I'm home

Nothing much changes in this town. The buildings get painted and old signs get replaced. The leaves fall off the trees and in a few months they come back. The people are the same. The bars are the same. There are places I avoid because I know that I will see the same people I've seen for years, doing the same thing they've always been doing, with seemingly no goals or aspirations and endless glasses of beer or whiskey.
Then there's me, and I have no goals or aspirations, either.
I just don't want to be reminded.

So I'll sit at home with my dogs. And cry a little bit when I think of Georgia, and try to remember every little detail of riding the bus down Chavchavadze, because soon I won't remember much at all. I think about saying goodbye. And walking through old town laughing even though it was hard. And watching Lydia walk away from me down the stairs crying. Sitting in the front seat of the cab, watching Tbilisi flash by me for the last time--the television tower glittering and the churches glowing, like they always do. Thanking the cab driver and dragging my luggage into the airport, realizing that was probably the last Georgian I'd speak in a long, long time. And feeling incredibly lonely.

ar vitsi

“Just shut up; I don’t know what you want anymore.”

She shut the door behind herself. She took off her jacket and hung it up, not that it mattered. She unzipped her boots, not that that mattered either. Chunks of mud fell onto the floor as she pulled violently on the heel of her left shoe and nearly fell on the floor. She flung her bag and her scarf onto the bed and rummaged through scraps of paper and candy wrappers in her purse to find the one piece of paper that mattered. Dialing numbers on her phone, she hesitated before pushing send, because what would she say anyway? And after she got the courage, the phone just rang and rang.
It was useless.
So she pushed aside the garbage that had accumulated on the bed and lay on her back staring at the ceiling.

After god-knows how long, and a few mindless wanders to check to see if the fridge was still empty, she walked down the street. People were speaking in languages she couldn’t recognize. People were telling kids to stop running. Old women were lugging bags bigger than themselves. And she had nothing but the cold breath fogging the air in front of her and disappearing. 

10

I keep opening this page with the intention of writing something, but there doesn't seem to be any way I can formulate anything that can possibly compare to what I really mean or how I really feel. When I first came it seemed like everything I was experiencing was novel and unique and I should write it all down because it was funny. And now, I suppose I've become accustomed to most of the things that once seemed strange, because all I can think of is how everything makes me feel and how I want to remember everything but none of it is anything that can be put into words.

It's the way I feel when I wake up and can see the sun rising behind the crack in the curtains; how the Christmas lights looked on Rustaveli tonight when I was riding the bus thinking to myself "I need to remember this" but knowing I really won't be able to within a few months or even a few weeks; how it feels to be spoken to and not understand a word someone is saying, but know what they mean anyway. The way the children look at me between classes and giggle shyly when I ask them a question; the way it feels to have so many people love you undoubtedly for no reason at all.

I want to remember hearing the buses screeching outside of our flat building. I want to remember what it's like to be in a rush in the morning and almost fall down the icy hill. I want to remember the taste of khinkali and khatchapuri and lobio. I want to remember what it feels like to be drunk on chacha and homemade wine.

Today, Papuna told me that in 10 years I will not miss Georgia. I will miss it for a year or two, and then it will just be a memory of a nice time, and it's sad but that is how it is. But I want to miss it. I want to miss all the people I've met and grown to love. I want to remember the smoky bars and clubs and dancing, and getting lost in the nameless streets, and the way the men I tutor laugh at me like I'm crazy.....

Boring week long update

The last week was pretty easy. On Tuesday Lydia and Mary went and got pizza but I didn't go. Instead Nick and I got khinkali at the restaurant near my flat and then just hung out. Lydia didn't get home until almost 2am which meant after Nick left around 9 or something I was home alone, at night, for I think the first time ever here. I didn't even know what to do with myself. So I did what I always do: sit around watching random crap on Youtube and Googling whatever stupid thing comes to my mind.
Wednesday was "Giorgoba" so we didn't have school. It's a holiday for St. George. I'm pretty sure it's the feast holiday for him, and in the spring there is another St. George holiday. We did not feast, we did not go to church.
On Thursday, it was Thanksgiving in the US. And I, randomly, happened to have the day off because my co-teacher was missing school all day and our classes were cancelled. In the afternoon, Callie and Cody came over and the four of us made a little Thanksgiving dinner, complete with Tofurky that Meave had mailed to Lydia and I. It was amazing. We also made chocolate chip cookies, which always taste a little different because there's no brown sugar here, or chocolate chips. We substitute in honey and cut up chocolate bars. But they were still amazing and I ate about a million.
Friday was an interesting night. Mary, Callie, Lydia and I went to eat pizza at a place near Marjanishvili. First of all, Marjanishvili has been completely renovated. I was just there about a month ago and it was just construction hell. Then, suddenly, this week there was a ribbon cutting and the whole stretch is completely renovated and beautiful. It doesn't even look like Georgia. So, that was a nice little surprise to see. The pizza we got was amazing. Mine had mayonnaise on it, but it wasn't even disgusting like it normally is when they do that. And it had corn in it. Yum. After pizza, Callie and I grabbed a bottle of vodka and we headed to a restaurant near Cafe Gallery. We ordered sodas, and Mary and Lyd got beers. We also got some snacks (it would be rude not get any food at the restaurant!) and played "Never have I ever" for a ridiculously long time. After nearly finishing our drinks we decided it was time to get to Cafe Gallery. We danced for hours, met some random Marines who were really nice, ran into other friends, etc. Other highlights include: a creeper not leaving Callie and I alone, so I told him we weren't interested, okay more like I told him "No! I don't want you" in Georgian, because that's about the extent of my language Georgian knowledge, and when this didn't work, I slapped him in the face. That also didn't work. Shortly after asking the cute bartender what her name was, she started dancing on the bar and asked me to get up there with her, I hesitated for a second and then someone lifted me up on there and I did it. I think I'm still a little traumatized, but whatever, when in Georgia...?  Then on the cab ride home, I was infuriated by the taxi-driver's bad Georgian. I think he was Russian. He wouldn't listen to anything I was saying (trying to tell him how to get to our apartment) and I was so mad. Then I came home, at approximately 4am, to find that one of my friend had blocked me on Facebook, which was really the icing on the cake of a weird night!
Saturday was kind of a lazy day. We were supposed to have gone to Sighnaghi but we didn't get paid so most people had no money, and Nick was sick, so it would have meant just Callie and I trekking it out there on our own.
On Sunday, it was snowing massively. At least massively in my expert snow opinion, being from California. So I had to cancel my trip to Vardi to visit my old host fam/school. I really don't like taking marshutkas in bad weather. They are scary enough on a nice sunny day. Mix with snow and slippery roads... Terrifying. I feel guilty though because I was looking forward to visiting everyone and now I don't know that I am going to have an opportunity to go again before I leave the country. I don't think they are mad, and they must understand because the weather is shitty, but still. I really do love them and want to see them! But Kakheti's weather is worse than Tbilisi's so I can't even imagine what it would be like!
Yesterday I left school a bit early because I wasn't feeling well. Then I went to tutor the man I haven't seen in over 2 weeks because he was on a business trip. I really love tutoring. The guys I tutor are so nice and funny and interesting, I always leave feeling in a better mood that I went in with. This time, we spent the whole time just talking about whatever, including about politics in Georgia (since that's his job) and other random things.
For the last few days I've been having such a terrible time sleeping. I lay in bed for hours just unable to sleep even though I'm so tired. I guess I'm probably stressed or worrying or something but whatever it is is really lame. And then when I do fall asleep I usually wake up again around 4 and just lay there awake for a long time again. This happened last night again and today when my alarm went off I was like "noooo!!!!!!!!!!!' not to mention, I was feeling kind of nauseous still. So I called in sick, which I almost never do. But I was able to sleep for almost four more hours which was amazing. I also think that the reason I've been feeling sick is because I haven't been drinking enough water. Because I also noticed that I've barely had to pee lately either. So I've been forcing myself to drink a lot of water today. But it sucks, who wants to drink water when it's cold outside? All I want is hot chocolate!!!

I've been feeling depressed for a couple days.
It's cold and dark and I'm leaving in 20 days.

But today I woke up and everything was covered in snow,
and it's so damn beautiful.

Weeks, Weekends, the Future

Time goes by so quickly it's unbelievable. The weeks feel like they are going by so slowly because in the mornings our apartment is cold and the bed is so warm; the schools heating leaves something to be desired (though it's a million times warmer than the village school was!); the children are screaming and not responding to discipline. But then suddenly, it's 3pm and you don't really know where the day went and all you can remember is how fucking adorable the 2nd graders were and how genius your 4th graders are and what little turds the 5th graders were being--but how creative their bullying each other is--seriously, one kid ground up a piece of chalk and folded it up in a piece of paper like a note and handed it to a girl, so when she opened it chalk dust got everywhere. So sad, but also... creative.
And then there are the weekends. Friday comes and goes in a wine/vodka/beer haze. Saturday morning is either slept away or sometimes you're so thirsty you wake up at 7am and can't sleep anymore, so you lay in bed and stare at the wall or at someone else or text your friends to ask what else happened after you went home. Normally, we get lunch around 12, for the past two weeks we've gone to Elvis, which is a restaurant (Elvis themed) with all different types of food: Thai, Italian, sushi, American, German, desserts. Then we wander slowly around the city some more stopping here and there for snacks or drinks or anything else we can think to do.
For the past few Sundays, I've been busy visiting with different Georgians. Four weeks ago, I went to the house of a little 12 year old girl named Natali, who is the niece of my former co-teacher (in Vardisubani) Nona. I had met her a couple months ago when in Kakheti visiting Nona, and she has been texting me every so often since, asking when I could see her. Nona and her husband came to Tbilisi (Natali lives here) and Natali's family had me over for dinner with them. Three weeks ago I went to Mtskheta, a nearby town, with my co-teacher Lali and her family. Mtskheta has some of the oldest and most famous churches in Georgian. It was a really beautiful place, and it was the first time I had gone, so it was nice that Lali could tell me the history of each place we went to. Afterwards, they took me to eat khinkali, naturally. Last Sunday I went to Vardisubani to visit my old host family. It was a nicer visit than I ever could have imagined. I had some problems living there last semester, but I couldn't justify being in the same country and not even going to see them-- especially Tiko, the little girl who loved me so much. They were all so happy to see me, and had cooked my favorite Georgian foods and bought cake. They gave me kisses, and the little boy was so much bigger (after only 4 months) I couldn't even believe it. I missed them a lot, despite any issues we had, sometimes people just aren't good to live with. And then yesterday, I met up with my co-teacher Nana and another English teacher at the school (who I don't go to classes with) named Manana. They took me to a restaurant so we could eat khinkali. They ordered me 10, which I told them I was incapable of eating (my normal amount is like 4), but... they kept pressuring me, and I found that it is in fact possible for me to eat 8 khinkalis without dropping dead. Even though afterwards I did want to drop dead.

Today I woke up and out of the window I could see the hill was covered in snow. And it was still snowing. All day. It's not really sticking during the day, but I'm still impressed. It's much nicer to have snow than to have rain, though it's freakin' cold. I'm wearing three pairs of socks and it still doesn't seem to cut it.

In unrelated news, I'm getting a little anxious trying to think of what the heck I should do when I get home. Part of me just doesn't want to think about it at all, and to just enjoy what's left of my time here without any pressure. But I really DO need to think about it. And as time progresses, I consider going to South Korea to teach even more. I have been on the fence about it for a while, but it's a good and reasonable option. I get nervous because it's a longer commitment and I really don't know if I'd like it there! But then again, I came to Georgia having no idea what to expect and it's been amazing.  I also feel like I should do things like this while I'm young and don't have an "real" responsibilities. The money is good. When I was at home for summer my step-dad was really encouraging about the option, saying he thinks I should do it, which helps, but also I don't know if I like the idea of being away from my family for a year, especially since my brother's baby is going to get so big in that amount of time. I don't know. Any advice is welcome!

foreign birthday

Thursday was my 23rd birthday, and the first time I've ever been away from home on my birthday. I went to school in the morning and my co-teacher, Lali gave me a flower pin as a gift. My other co-teacher, Nana, gave me a headband with a bow on it. Three of my classes sang to me in garbled English and it was adorable. After school I went home and vegged out for a bit until Lydia came home and Nick came over. We went to my favorite asian food place with a couple other friends and allowed myself to get fried ice cream afterwards. Then we went to a restaurant and had some wine. I came home and talked to my dad and then to my mom on the phone. It was a more laid-back birthday than I usually have because everyone had to work the next morning. I, however, took the day off because at home Veteran's Day is the day after my birthday and I've never had to work the day after my b-day because of it, so why start now?
So yesterday I slept in and relaxed and had a nice day by myself. I went to tutor Irakli and then got ready for my "party." We went to a hostel where some friends were staying and got ready and drank some homemade wine Lali had given me. We then drank vodka. Then went to a restaurant and ate and drank more. I elected Callie to be tamada so she made some ridiculous toasts as usual and it was amazing. We went to Cafe Gallery where they brought me out a little cake with glow in the dark candles on it. We took some crazy photos. Then we found out it was tango night so we left and everyone ended up in different places. Lydia had a bit too much to drink and had to leave early. I ended up leaving not-so-late and went to eat shawarma with Nick on some steps outside of a random pet store.
It was a nice birthday.

Favorite

"I had gone to no such place but to the smoke of cafes and nights when the room whirled and you needed to look at the wall to make it stop, nights in bed, drunk, when you knew that that was all there was, and the strange excitement of waking and not knowing who it was with you, and the world all unreal in the dark and so exciting that you must resume again unknowing and not caring in the night, sure that this was all and all and all and not caring. Suddenly to care very much and to sleep, to wake with it sometimes morning and all that had been there gone and everything sharp and hard and clear and sometimes a dispute about the cost. Sometimes still pleasant and fond and warm and breakfast and lunch. Sometimes all niceness gone and glad to get out on the street but always another day starting and then another night. I tried to tell about the night and the difference between the night and the day and how the night was better unless the day was very clean and cold and I could not tell it; as I cannot tell it now. But if you have had it you know."

--A Farewell to Arms, Ernest Hemingway

Happiness

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if all the happiness I've felt in the last year was some sort of cover-up that I've begun to believe so much that I don't even know what's real anymore. Because how is it possible that after all this time, I'm only now happy? And so happy that sometimes I think I could explode with it? In a place where no one knows me, and I get so stressed and frustrated and feel like I couldn't possibly last another minute. Only to wake up the next day to know that I am living the most wonderful life I could have imagined for myself. And the way the light is coming up behind the ugly flat buildings and beautiful hills makes me appreciate everything I've ever been given, both the good and the bad-- because I'm here, somehow. And soon I'll say goodbye, because life seems to be a series of imminent farewells that will sometimes circle back to delighted hellos but there's no way to know. And if I knew now who was gone forever, maybe I would not want to know anyway.
I have loved so many people, things, places, emotions. I sometimes can't believe it was the truth, and that it wasn't a fabrication of a feeling to make myself suitable for loving and for life. Because I'd rather feel excitement and elation in even the most mundane world than to be pessimistic any longer. And maybe it was an act, because I was falling apart, and I needed to be someone different. Or I grew up, and realized that everything I depended on would fail eventually, and adaptation is simpler in terms of love and acceptance than of futile resistance and anger.
But maybe not. Maybe I just fell in love with the feeling of wind on my face, and eyes wide-open, and with all those who have and will love me while I wander recklessly for a while, feeling for the first time that I'm free.

An open letter

If I could tell you anything, I would tell you not to accept what your culture has laid in front of you.

I would tell you not to settle.

I would tell you that you should keep going, no matter what. 

Don't marry the first man who comes your way. 

Don't give up for the sake of simplicity and societal norms. 

Keep learning. 

Find a way to achieve your goals. 

See more of the world than you ever though you would see.  

Ignore the negativity you will inevitably meet. Don't let the difficulties stand in your way. Don't let anyone tell you you aren't good enough. 

Don't let your mother, or your grandmother, or you great grandmother's choices affect the person you will become. 

Find the light in your life and follow it. 

Don't let any man be your soul source of happiness, because you will be disappointed. 

When someone enters your life, love them, even if they are unpleasant. 

Never take anyone or anything for granted. You have been given more than some people will ever know. 

You are smart, even if you don't think you are. 

You are beautiful, even when you feel ugly. 

Be someone that other would like to know. Don't let your bad days bring anyone else down. 

Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. 

If everything else fails, don't fail yourself. 

Never look back on your life wishing you had done things you didn't do because you were afraid. 

Don't be afraid. You can achieve so much; I know it. 

And if no one else thinks you can make it: I do.

--

"She was in love now, set for the eternal romance that was to be the synthesis of all romance, yet sad for these men and these moonlights and for the 'thrills' she had had--and the kisses. The past--her past, oh, what a joy! She had been exuberantly happy."
-- The Beautiful and Damned, F. Scott Fitzgerald

From the hips

"We're all just trying to play our rolls

In a play that runs ad nauseam 

I hate this damn enlightenment

We were better off as animals, right?"

dating, sex, blah blah blah

And now, since it's a hot topic in the blog-world, I'll write about dating, sex, tlg, blah blah blah in Georgia. My entry isn't the most serious of blog entries, but I'm not the most serious person. Just thought I'd give a different perspective on a topic that seems to be debated sometimes. I mean, doesn't EVERYONE considering coming to Georgia worry about getting laid alllll the time? Ha.

Here are some things I have heard about sex/gender/dating/etc.:
*Georgian guys are sleazy

This can be true. But saying every Georgian guy is sleazy is stupid. I mean, we all get annoyed when guys hit on us like crazy, but this happens in the US or Canada or England or where-ever else as well. Georgian guys can be forward. Sometimes they will ask for you number a million times and will not accept "no" for an answer. Sometimes you will give a normal-seeming guy your number and he will call you eight times in a row from multiple phone numbers when you don't answer. But really, have you never been to a bar and gotten a creeper bothering you? If you haven't, you don't go out enough. In a way, I think the persistence of a Georgian man almost deserves some respect. He sees something he likes and he goes for it. Better than some wimpy whiny kid who will write a song about never being able to be with you after seeing you on a subway once (p.s. you'll probably get hit on while riding the metro).

--prime example--

There are a million normal Georgian guys. My friend C gets guys driving her home all the time. I don't particularly recommend getting in a car with a strange man who pulls over next to you and says "I see you walking a lot. I want to meet you," but if you are daring, may as well try it. C has made some pretty nice friends this way! And gotten free rides! And so far they haven't done anything creepier than this. Well, one of them professed his lover for her and bought her roses, but he took it like a man when she explained that she had a boyfriend back home. They are still friends. Not sleazy. And definitely not a date-rapist.

Of course, I say all this, but there are some sleazy guys here. I have had one bad experience so far, but the guy was actually from Azerbaijan. He got me on a balcony and was trying to kiss me and wouldn't let go. It was scary but I escaped. Take note, though, this could happen anywhere. I have friends in my hometown that have been assaulted and/or raped, and we live in a relatively safe place. Be careful girls, no matter where in the world you are.

*Georgian guys suck in bed

This is something I have no personal experience with. Sorry, I haven't slept with a Georgian, or really anyone  here for that matter. I have made out with one Georgian guy. It wasn't the worst thing in the world; it wasn't the best thing in the world. I have friends who have slept with Georgian guys. I know people who have Georgian boyfriends. If the sex was THAT terrible, I doubt they would stay together too long. Maybe that's shallow of me to say, but... if you're only in the country for a short period of time, wouldn't you want a boyfriend who at least was good in bed? Good reasoning, right? As for the one night stands I've heard about, seems like they haven't been the best. But then again, it's drunk random one-time sex, if the guy isn't paying all that much attention to what the girl wants he could just be being selfish--after all, he'll probably never see her again; who cares what she wants? I mean, that's rude of the guy. Guys should always care about what the girl wants! But you know, some times a girl doesn't want to give a guy a blow job either! It's your prerogative  And keep in mind, if you suck too bad--word will get out and you may never get sex again! That's my advice to guys who don't try to make the girl happy while they are hooking up. Guys around the world!!! Not only Georgians. 

*Georgian girls won't have sex with you

Even if they won't have sex with you, I won't either, and I'm an American.
But yeah, because girls are a bit more repressed in society here than they are in more Westernized countries, it's generally frowned upon for girls to be sexually active before marriage. I don't think this means every girl is necessarily against hooking up with someone they are into, but don't expect it to be like going to Sweden or something where sex is pretty acceptable. If you do date a girl, if she isn't into having sex with you, don't push the idea. There's nothing worse than a douche who tries to persuade you to do him when you just don't want to! Deal breaker for sure! But I see so many girls and guys making out in parks that I can tell there's some action to be had at least, maybe not "home run" status, but it's something, if you're really worried about it. And if you are REALLY worried about it, get a prostitute (see following bullet points). It's less effort and might even be cheaper in the long run-- no wining and dining. 

*Georgian girls suck in bed
If two people both suck in bed and don't know it, do they still think the other person sucks in bed? If all Georgian guys suck in bed, and all Georgian girls suck in bed, then wouldn't it not even matter? Until they try to get with a person who claims to not suck in bed. And what if you suck in bed and just don't know it?
Anyway, I've never had sex with a Georgian girl, so who knows. But I'm sure there is not an entire country full of people (of any gender) that just innately sucks at having sex. Maybe they don't get as much practice as some people in more promiscuous countries, but I'm sure 16 year olds who are having sex in the US aren't very good in bed either. If you want to have sex with a Georgian girl, from what I've heard, it's probably going to take a bit of wooing on your part anyway, so if you're willing to put in the effort to get that far into the relationship, you should probably be nice enough to not judge her abilities in bed anyway, unless you're an asshole... which maybe you are if you are dating someone JUST because you want to have sex with them.

*All Georgian men sleep with hookers

During orientation we were told that Georgian men all sleep with prostitutes because the Georgian girls were expected to be virgins until marriage. And after marriage it is still acceptable for the men to sleep with other women besides their wives. I really am not sure if this is true. I haven't asked enough men to know and in this case I think I might be better off not knowing. I did have one friend, though whose host-brother took him to a brothel somewhere in Tbilisi and the whole experience seemed incredibly awkward. This is reasoning enough to know that some Georgians go to hookers, but I can't really believe that everyone of them does. As for hookers, I heard a rumor that a lot of them are Ukrainian or Russian. But then again... (see next bullet)

*Some TLGs sleep with hookers

The same friend who went to the brothel with his host-brother slept with a Georgian girl. Of course, he told me that he "met a Georgian girl" and slept with her. We were a little surprised because from everything we've heard, Georgian girls don't usually sleep with guys they just met. Come to find out (through the grapevine), he indeed picked a prostitute from the brothel and slept with her. I have also heard (through more grapevines) about other guys who like to sleep with prostitutes every so often in Georgia. It doesn't seem totally outlandish. My advice--if you're going to do it, don't tell anyone, because everyone in TLG will find out. Unless of course you are proud of the fact that you have to pay for sex. Then by all means, tell people. As a side-note, this "grapevine" analogy makes perfect sense to me today for the first time. After a trip to Kakheti to pick grapes, I see how easy it could be to whisper interesting tid-bits through the vines to people also picking grapes on the other side!

*Guys and girls can't be friends with each other
Maybe a guy wants more from a girl, but if she friend-zones him, what can you do? And the other way around. One of my Georgian friends told me once (while he was wasted, after threatening to bride-nap me to Batumi) that you can't be friends with the opposite gender unless you want to do them, at least a little bit. I have other (American, girl) friends who have many Georgian male-friends. The guys basically are in love with her, but she's made it clear it's just not gonna happen, and they are still friends. Maybe they will every once in a while send some awkward texts about how she's so amazing, but that's flattering and easy to ignore for the sake of keeping someone as a friend. I'm still friends with the dude who threatened to bride-nap me, and I don't want to kiss him these days (it was a long time ago!), but we're still on good terms. He helped me find my apartment. I ran into him the other day at the store and we had a nice chat. Then he sent me an awkward text about how gorgeous I looked, but it was flattering. Still friends. I'll just ignore the weird parts. I have friends like that at home too. My last boyfriend was always saying he thought most of my male friends wanted to hook up with me secretly; I don't believe it, but you never know I guess. I mean, I have male friends who I secretly think are hot too. But we are just friends, and neither one of us care enough to do anything about it, so we can just be friends. That's how it works.

*In TLG everyone hooks up with each other

TLG is so incestuous it's disgusting. You are in a random country with a lot of people who speak minimal amounts of English. When you get with others who speak English fluently, who understand weird slang and innuendo, it feels like complete freedom! And of course, our get-togethers usually involve alcohol. Things happen. People you may never have spoken to while at home are suddenly your best friends. You rely on these people a lot. When you have a bad day, you call them. When you get lost, you call them. When you are annoyed at a particular student, you call them. When you miss home, you call them. You get close quickly. And in the same way you become friends, it's easy for other things to happen. You're annoyed at a Georgian guy who called you 8 times in one day? You drink some vodka and kiss a TLG boy instead. You are feeling repressed by the village gossip? You go to Tbilisi where no-one knows you and drink some vodka and kiss a TLG boy. Yeah, it happens. Sometimes people make out on the dance floor. Sometimes people go hook-up in parks or unfortunately in the hostel dorm-room you are trying to sleep in.  Sometimes people fall in love. In my group last semester, a guy from England and a girl from Oklahoma met during orientation and we all watched and waited as the two love-birds slowly started a relationship (we could all see from a mile away), and it was adorable. Still it's pretty adorable, if you like that nauseating boyfriend/girlfriend stuff! Of course, that doesn't happen quite as often as the random encounters.

*Everyone hooks up in parks

The young'ns seem to like this tactic. Parents don't like their kids to do things under their roof. I don't think parents particularly like that anywhere. It must be traumatic for a parent to walk in on their teenage kids doing inappropriate things. In Georgia, the young people go make-out in parks. Chances are, if you go to a park, you'll see some very interesting happenings. It's sort of like watching a car-wreck. You just can't look away. Yesterday there were a couple teenagers making out on top of a big rock in a park in central Tbilisi. And by making out on a rock I mean the girl was on top of the guy and his back was arched in a very uncomfortable looking way over the rock. And then the policeman patrolling the park got mad at my friend for having his shoe on the bench, but said nothing about the make-out kids. I guess he must remember what it was like when he was a Georgian 16 year olds trying to get his kicks somewhere.
As for TLGs, I have also heard of people making out in parks. Most TLGs live with host families, which I suppose makes having sex awkward. I can't imagine anything weirder than trying to bring home a guy/girl while living a room away from a family you don't know very well and maybe don't even speak the same language as. So, TLGs get creative. Sometimes it just ends up that they go to a hostel for a night, which sucks, because usually there are other people in the hostel room and it sucks for those people who are sleeping innocently and wake up to see someone's naked butt and awkward sound affects from the next bunk over (I know this sucks because I've been the sleeping person woken up by not-so-quiet couples multiple times). Other times, they go to parks. Or make out on balconies. Or benches. Or bathrooms. Pretty much anywhere except at home. But watch-out. I heard a rumor that one person was doing some inappropriate things where there were biting ants around and she had an allergic reaction to them and had to go to the hospital. Pretty gnarly. 

*You will be bride napped

You will not be bride napped.

ქართლის დედა

Look to the right, then to the left.

I love this place.

Never gets old

No way, no how!

Tutoring:
Tutoring man #2 for the first time went alright. Moderately awkward but nothing too unbearable. Next time (Friday) we are going to have a lesson about music where we talk about song lyrics from songs we like. Hence me going on a while Hanson video watching tangent. Tutoring man #1 is still fine, I've been there three times this week already and going again on Friday. We were going to be meeting 8 times a month, but we are halfway to that point in like one week, so maybe we will meet more. He said he would pay me every 8 lessons. Hooray! It's so weird reading a guy's unfinished screenplay. Especially since he's actually planning to film it next year. So does this mean if it sucks it's partially my fault? I'm not an editor, just trying to fix major issues. Thank God I have a decent knowledge of grammar rules, otherwise it would be difficult. Have you ever, on the spot, had to explain someone when to use "intense" vs. "intensive?" That's one I had to think about and get back to him on. Also, I got to explain comma vs. semicolon, "then" vs. "than," the difference between "massage" and "message," and "score" vs. "scholar" (random, right?).  Also, our lessons always end up being over and hour long but it's not weird at all. He probably thinks I'm weird though. But then again, he was the one who was hungover the other day asking "what do you drink in America when you have a hangover?" and then he offered me whiskey (I declined) and he drank a glass of vodka.

Today I was finally given copies of textbooks for school. I got copies of every book EXCEPT book #1. Including book #5 and #6 which NONE of my classes use. But guess what? 12 of the 20 hours I teach each week use only book #1. Typical.

I'm averaging about 5lari a week on bus/metro tickets. Adds up quick. I guess it doesn't help that I am now going to school, back from school, to Freedom Square/Rustaveli and back home from Freedom Square/Rustaveli almost every day now thanks to tutoring as well as wanting to do fun things (that usually ends up meaning going downtown). But whatevs, could be worse! And bus #61 is the shit. Takes us right up to our apartment practically, but doesn't come as often as some of the other ones like #87, 88 or 140. And 88 has the worst breaks that are super loud and screechy. Bus 87 is smaller. Yeah. I'm on my blog listing out facts about the bus. Lame.

I'm not sick yet, but I feel like I might be on the verge. I had a sore throat the last two nights, nothing too bad, but enough to make me paranoid. Mostly because Lydia's had a cold for about a week now and Nick got strep throat. I REALLY don't want strep. I've heard nothing but terrible things about it for years and have been lucky enough not to have gotten it yet. Considering we are all sharing food/drinks/whatever-else all the time it seems like I might be doomed. Maybe not. I'll hope for the best.

Oh and best news! We have this Friday off! Three day weekends are the best! Even if I have to tutor on my "day off;" it doesn't count!

pretentious DBs

It annoys me how many times people who are new to things they are greeted first by the pretentious douche bags of the world, because those are the people who feel they are God's-gift-to-Earth and in fact, though living through the same experiences as everyone else, somehow have gleaned more knowledge and understanding of said situations. So they write ten-page long blog entries about how correct they have been in every situation, when everyone else was just so wrong. They go on to list of every possible qualification they may possess that can sort-of back up their reasoning, because you know, one linguistics class and an intro to psychology class makes you both a linguist and psychologist! And therefore if you don't like someone's particular use or disuse of an oxford comma, it's totally legitimate for you to diss the person publicly because, damn you're a grammar genius!
I don't even know where I'm going with this. Just annoyed by some people and how they pretend to know everything, and how sometimes, people fall for it because they don't understand yet. But I think, after a while, the truth comes out anyway.

little bits

Living in Tbilisi is basically the best thing ever. It's like I'm living a normal life for the most part. I can do whatever I want. I can go wherever I want, whenever I want. I cook my own food. I shower when I feel like it. It's great.
School could be better. I could be doing more. I could have books. I could be more respected by the crazy 6th graders. But it's not terrible, and compared to what it was like before in the village I can't complain at all.
I feel generally happy. I get a little sad when I think about December and leaving and knowing that this time I won't be coming back. I try not to think about it. I don't know how I'm going to be able to stay content in Chico after living somewhere I think is so great and lovely for the most part, but I'll figure it out.

In other news; Lydia and I have spent so much time watching bad music videos from 10 years ago that it's ridiculous. And about half of our conversations are dominated by "what should we be for Halloween?" I am pretty sure I'm going to be a unicorn, but not quite sure I'll be able to pull it off. Especially with not knowing how to get anything I want to get for it while in Georgia. Like, do they have tinsel here? They must, but where? Who knows? Or like, the strongest hair spray ever. And body glitter.
Today we bought a hair straightener after complaining about how we wished we had one for the past almost-a-month. It cost more than I probably should be spending on a hair straightener, but I'm just that vain.
We eat pasta every day. And friend potatoes a lot. And khatchapuri way more than I should ever admit to anyone.

I feel weird

For no particular reason. Or maybe there is a particular reason. I don't know. I just feel weird. 
It seems like none of my actions lately have any legitimate purpose and I'm kind of just flaling around in the world doing dumb things just for the sake of doing something at all. And then I get myself in strange situations and then get annoyed at myself for it when maybe that's what I've been wanting all along! 

Lately

Saw an old man pour an entire bottle of vodka into a beer mug and start sipping it.
Got a cab driver a parking ticket because he had to go look for change for my too-big 20lari bill.
Drank massive amounts of vodka at an Australian man's apartment.
Ate two separate huge dinners within one hour.
Hung out with a 12 year old.
Hung out with a 13 year old.
Went into a bathroom with a random Georgian lesbian and held her beer bottle while she peed.
Saw a man walking a baby bear on a leash.
Got creepily winked at by one of my sixth grade students whenever I made eye contact with him.
Was told I look Georgian multiple times.
Ate delicious ice cream!!!!!!!!

Batumi night

On Saturday evening, TLG called all of us teachers in Tbilisi and in villages/towns in the west saying that we were invited by the president to attend a performance of "Qeto and Kote" in Batumi the next day. Lydia and I said yes immediately; how could we deny a free trip to Batumi? So, on Sunday morning we woke up early and headed down to the Radisson on Rustaveli where everyone was meeting. In typical Georgian fashion, we didn't leave until about an hour after we were told we would be leaving.
The bus ride was kind of like torture. Lydia and I played "would you rather" for so long, which is something we do all the time. It usually ends up with things like "would you rather have 10000 spoons or 10000 knives?" and "would you rather only listen to Justin Bieber's 'Baby' or Miley Cyrus' 'Party in the USA' forever?" Then we had duets of both of those songs, among others. We stopped in Kutaisi and there was a massive feast set up for us. We went back on the bus and it took about three more hours to get to Batumi.

Our schedule said we would have about an hour and a half to check into the hotel and get ready to go to the opera house, but we were running late and so was the hotel which resulted in us having to get ready in a rush in a hotel spa locker room. No one looked nearly as good as they were hoping to, I'm sure. And actually, a lot of us didn't even have anything particularly nice to wear anyway. 12hrs notice to go to an opera is pretty short! Especially since we're living out of on suitcase's worth of clothing! 

We all got ready super fast, but ended up having to stand there waiting to leave for about 45 more minutes. 

The opera house is new and pretty nice but also not quite finished on upper floors. The third level had a balcony and a glass floor which was cool, I guess, but also seemed awkward for people wearing dresses because the guests below could probably see up them. 

We waited in our seats for a while before the play started. I assume this was because we were all waiting on the president. It's pretty cool that we got to watch a play with Saakashvili in attendance, but what I think is cooler is that the Prince of Monaco was also there. They sat a few rows back on the floor level and everyone was standing and clapping as they walked in.

The play itself was one of the weirdest things I've seen. It was all in Georgian but they attempted to help out by putting subtitles in English projected above the screen. This was helpful sometimes but when the lights on stage got bright we couldn't see the words and sometimes whoever was in charge of the powerpoint would forget to click next and it would get really behind. Plus, who wants to read while trying to watch a play? I just mostly wanted to watch the dancing, which was pretty cool! The story of the play was described to us as a "Georgian version of Romeo and Juliet but with a happy ending :)" I guess this was somewhat true. It was about a high class rich girl, Qeto, who was matched up to marry a man named Prince Levani who I think was running out of money. Qeto had already fallen in love with another prince, Keto, somehow (I think they saw each other in a theater?) and was pissed off that she had to marry Levan. The story itself is pretty generic, but the performance was so...... I don't even know. Weird. I don't even know if it was supposed to be as hilarious as I found it to be. The costumes were crazy. It looked like Lady Gaga threw up her closet everywhere.

There were random dancing bits intersperced between the story line.

There were two characters which were I think supposed to be Qeto's assistants or something and seemed to be gay. There was a scene where Qeto flew in on a helicopter (this "scene" was a video with really bad graphics, including a helicopter with a huge Louis Vuitton logo painted on the side, and the room somehow seemed to vibrate like a helicopter was really coming in) then the "helicopter" landed and out walks Qeto with a bunch of assistants carrying fake Louis Vuitton suitcases and the song "Vogue"

by Madonna playing. As if that wasn't odd enough, Qeto is wearing a crazy outfit that made her look like a sexy Smurf or something.

Anyway. The entire thing was just strange beyond explanation. But I guess dear ol' Misha (the president) liked it, because he's seen it before and wanted all of us TLGers to see it too. And it wasn't really bad, just really weird. The singers all had nice voices and the dancing was really cool. Just strange.
In case you are curious, here is a news story that has some clips of the play in it, so you can sort of see what it was like and also can see what the Batumi opera house looks like. 

After the play we went back to the hotel. I guess I didn't mention how ridiculously nice the hotel was. It was the Radisson Blu, which just opened a couple of months ago. I have never stayed anywhere so good before, and it was completely free for us! I think the sad part, though, was the realization that staying there for one night costs almost as much as my apartment with Lydia costs for an entire month. Sort of makes you wonder what exactly the Georgian government is doing with their money... but I'm not complaining. I had the best shower I've had in a long time AND the bathroom floors were heated! Badass! Also, all the actors in the play were staying there too. So we were just lounging around in the lobby and got to see all the actors drinking and stuff. Most memorable (besides crazy looking Levan) was when the Qeto got out of a car while a group of us were standing outside, and she started singing loudly in English, like a true diva most likely just so we would all look at her and notice that she's "famous" and get "excited." But we just thought it seemed like a weird thing to do. Maybe that's because we are just jaded westerners. I mean... I've met Hanson in person, how does Qeto from the weirdest play ever compare????? ha ha. I'm kidding. It was cool to see the actors milling about, but her behavior was a little over the top!
We didn't get dinner until about midnight. We heard a rumor that it took so long because Misha decided to take the prince to eat at the restaurant our group (of nearly 200 people) had a reservation at, so we were no longer allowed to go there. Most of us were getting pretty grumpy at this point because we were so hungry and hadn't eaten in almost 11 hours, and also, we only had one night in Batumi and we were hoping to make the most of it... meaning, going out all night and drinking copious amounts of alcohol. This also lead to the speculation that maybe TLG actually had planned to make dinner so late so we would all be to dead and tired and hungry to want to go out after finally getting food. If that was a plan, it worked for a lot of people. We ended up not wanting to do anything afterwards because we were so tired. We got a bit of beer and drank back in N and A's room, which by some stroke of luck (or as they claim, Saakashvili is in love with them) they got a business class room that had a living room in it. We hung out watching Russian music videos and Fashion TV and then went back to our own rooms. Got a couple hours of sleep, and then went down for breakfast (which was amaaaaazing) in the hotel lobby.
Then another 8hr bus ride back. Complete with "would you rather" games. 

Today was my first "day" of school. Meaning I was there for less than an hour, while they made my schedule. Tomorrow I should be starting for reals. I only teach grades 1-5 this semester, which is a bit of a disappointment because I like older kids (high school) better, but I will adapt. My co-teachers seem nice and the school is huge. About 1000 students, which makes Vardi seem so tiny. Not to mention the overall condition of the school is a VAST improvement to the village. It's going to be so interesting to see how the students compare.

Today I learned how to say the word "60" in Georgian. (samotsi)
I found my school, which is "Tbilisi Public School No. 126" and was way harder to find than it should be. It's also massive. My first day is going to be awkward--wandering in and trying to ask random students where the director's office is. I'm sure the first month will be a lot of getting lost in the huge building and being in general awkward, as usual. I hope the rooms are numbered, because in Vardi they definitely were not. It took forever for me to start knowing which room was which based on distance from the main hallway and stains on the walls/brokenness of the doors.
Lydia and I went to the store today for groceries and I gave the girl a 50lari bill. There was confusion with the coins and blah blah blah. An hour or so after getting home I realized I didn't get approximately 30lari of my change back! I almost panicked because I'm so broke right now and have at least another week until I get paid. We went back to the store and I had someone from TLG explain to the cashier what happened. After they looked through the surveillance videos for about 15 minutes, they realized that I wasn't lying and gave me my change. The girl was so nice and I think felt really bad about it. Now we will always go to this grocery store, because even though they made a mistake, they cleared it up and were very apologetic.
In other news-- I've eaten khatchapuri EVERY DAY since getting here. Yesterday I had at twice (that's what a couple beers will do to you). Today I told myself "NO KHATCHAPURI TODAY!" but... we had quite a trek looking for my school (the streets here are beyond confusing), and then we couldn't figure out where on earth the bus stop was and when we finally found it, it was too late. All we had eaten all day was one egg each (pretty low on food in the apartment) and it was about 3 o'clock, sooooooo we had to get khatchapuri. Luckily we've been walking SO much lately I probably won't gain a ton of weight this time around. Although, I have kind of established that 60% of my diet is khatchapuri and 40% is beer. Somethin's gotta change!
Tomorrow we are going to Batumi to see some "Georgian version of Romeo and Juliet but with a happier ending" called "Keto and Kote." A ton of other TLGers are going and we get free transportation, food, and a night at a hotel! And the president is going to be there and supposedly make an announcement afterwards about how great, lovely, and awesome all of us volunteers are. So... that's something!

updates

In Georgia this time around things are already completely different. I can't emphasize enough how different it is (already) living in Tbilisi than it was in a Kakhetian village. Not only is it because we aren't living in a host family, but also because there are just so many more options on what we can do on a day-to-day basis.

We moved into our apartment two days ago, after a few days of complete torture not knowing if we were ever going to find a place to live or if we may have to resort to living with a host family again. We had TLG call SO many places for us and we had one place lined up but the owners backed out and decided not to rent it out last minute. At that point we really thought we were screwed. But then my friend D from the hostel said we should get a newspaper, so we did and he called a few places for us. After less than an hour we were at an apartment talking with a landlord (with D translating) and the next day we were moving in. Our landlord is the coolest landlord ever. We've already had to knock on her door (she lives next door) to ask stupid things like how the hell do we turn on the hot water? and the stove? And she's so happy to see us and even know she knows barely any English she tries to hard to talk to us and we do a lot of weird pantomiming but everything works out. Today when we went over to get help with our stove, she invited us in and gave us coffee and cake and tried to tell us all about Tibetan medicine (I guess that's her job), and it made some sense but not much. She also has two sons, the younger of which is really good looking and seems pretty sweet but he doesn't know any  English.
Today we dyed my hair with Russian box hair dye again. It's not dry yet but it seems better than last time and luckily the water did not turn off before I could rinse it out like it did last time. But the water pressure in the shower is really low so it took forever to rinse it out. I was pretty scared actually after last time, but my roots were looking so terrible I felt like I had to take the risk, for vanity's sake.

We've made a few new friends since we've been back. We met a Canadian guy who is just traveling for a couple weeks, but we went for a night to Borjomi with him. In typical Georgia fashion, we met some nice people are the marshrutka who brought us to their friend's guesthouse. Then the man decided to be our Borjomi tour guide and took us all around and made us drink Borjomi water which I still find to be absolutely disgusting. Back in Tbilisi we've been hanging out with Nick who is from New Zealand who we met once last time we were in Georgia because he lived in Rustavi where Anita lived. We went to a beer garden with him and  a girl named Callie, also in TLG, a few nights ago and again last night.
School officially starts today but we were not allowed to go to the first day because we haven't met with co-teachers and directors yet. Tomorrow we have a meeting with them and then I guess will start going to classes on Monday. I'm looking forward to it and kind of dreading it at the same time. But at least we will have something to do and be less bored/spending money all the time. Especially since we haven't been paid yet and I'm so broke after having to pay first/last months rent at our apartment.

7

It's sad, I guess, because it's my cat's 7th birthday and if I think about everything (everything) that has come to be since my cat was given to me I can't even explain anything at all. But I love him and I'm far away and I think somehow my cat is exactly who I am as a human even though maybe a lot of people wouldn't understand or even agree.
I am 22 and when I got my cat it was my 16th birthday. I could try to describe every moment of that day because I remember most of it EXACTLY, but I've drank a bit and who even cares anyway? The guy I liked ditched me at a dance, the guy I cared about most is married now and my friends are scattered everywhere. But Desi (my cat) remains and I think about him and smile because he's the first thing I've loved more than myself in so long I don't even know.

As for Georgia, I think we found somewhere to live. And we've made some new friends. And we've eaten so much acharuli khatchapuri I think I will gain 15pounds again in like 2 weeks. It's hard to say what's different and what is the same. I miss my friends I made last time so much I feel like I might explode. I miss my friends form before that so much I might explode. I miss people who I've known forever and who live in Chico again so much I might explode. I don't mind living in the hostel except for how much money I'm losing. I like being here where new people arrive constantly and every now and then people I know walk through. Or even the owners who I'm friends with walk through. If it weren't for them, we'd still be homeless. Because after less than 1hr, our friends here helped us find somewhere to live and drove us to the apartment and translated what the woman was saying to us. All we had to do to repay them was buy them a little bit of food.
And just now, a Israeli man in the hostel brought us some dates and almonds because they like them in Israel. Which is funny because it reminds him of his home, and it reminds me of my home because of the almonds. And that is what travelling is like. And I love it so much. 

Notes on a day (of travel)

I left town at four in the morning. Four in the morning isn’t really even morning. I guess especially to a person who sees four am more than she used to--but usually through the lens of alcohol and late night shenanigans.  Four in the morning when waking up after having gone to bed is more like weird surrealist torture where everything is more confusing and time doesn’t seem to pass at all and suddenly you are in an airport terminal and it’s light outside and you can barely even remember checking in.  I remember saying goodbye to my mom and watching her disappear when I went up the escalator.
The plane was the smallest thing I’ve ever seen. I tried not to panic and instead went to sleep. I woke up when the flight attendant brought me water. I didn’t wake up when she came by and took away my garbage. We landed. I was confused. My dad picked me up. I went to a couple jobs with him and I fell asleep as we drove from Hollywood to Redondo Beach, with my mouth wide open and my tongue drying out. We got to my grandma’s and in her usual manner, she made way too much food and kept offering to make more. She seemed especially happy to have made so many vegetarian options for me.  I fell asleep on the couch. I acquired over $100 from cards given to me by my aunts and uncles and my grandmother. I feel a bit more relieved knowing I have that extra cash in my pocket. Maybe I won’t wilt away from starvation while homeless in Tbilisi. My grandma blabbered a bit about how I wasn’t allowed to leave the airport in Istanbul, and I definitely wasn’t allowed to start dating a Muslim and began on a tangent which was basically racist and ridiculous. I zoned out and thought about how amazing it would be to get a Muslim boyfriend and tell my grandma about it.
I’m waiting at the gate for my Turkish Airlines flight. When I called my mother to say goodbye she was really excited to hear about the different types of people who may be on a flight to Istanbul. I hadn’t even thought about it. So far, most people look Turkish. The children are adorable. Especially the little girl wearing Minnie Mouse ears and a pink dress with a long black braid going down her entire back. She pushes her little sister’s stroller back and forth in front of me and says “hi” and smiles at me every time. Her baby sister stares at me with giant brown bug eyes as glittery as her earrings.  Their mother is covered from head to toe in rose pink silk with only her eyes showing.  A few other women are wearing colorful scarves over their hair. There are typical middle-aged tourists with their passport holders hanging around their neck. And a few young guys with their iPads, headphones and tapping feet. There is an orthodox Jew with an impressive beard. I heard some people checking in at the desk who are connecting to Israel.  There is a young guy who looks just like a guy I knew in college, and I keep making awkward eye-contact with him. The man who printed my boarding passes pronounced Tbilisi how it’s meant to be, and I suddenly felt excited to go back when this whole time I wasn’t sure if I was. But, მე ვარ ბედნიერე.  It’s kind of like going back home.

Leaving, leaving, leaving

It's like crying spells mixed followed by excitement followed by anxiety and stress.
I'm broke and I don't even have anywhere to live yet.
I have to wake up in four-and-a-half hours to drive to Sacramento to get on my 7am flight.

And it's been weird being home. And I've been so bipolar about it. Some days it's been awful and I feel annoyed at everyone and everything, and some days I feel like everything is going great and I've met some great people and everything looks so lovely.

I guess maybe it's the lack of sleep and the fact that I probably drank more than I should of last night. But I'm scared. Scared like I used to be when I was 15 years old and felt terrible doom knowing I was going to have to go on an airplane. And I have haven't had good dreams and everything on the news is about 9/11.

And I hate saying goodbye to everyone. I'm just not good at it. And I feel so emotional about it but pretend like I'm not.

And all day I felt like crying whenever I looked at my dog, because he somehow KNOWS and so does my cat and they look at me with their big sad eyes and I feel awful.
It's moments like these that make me feel like I shouldn't leave at all. But maybe that's also my anxiety. Maybe I've lost my mind.

rant number 10000

I'll start by saying this: you don't choose where you were born.

So what is the point in saying the country you were squeezed out into is better than any other country that someone else got ejected out into? Nearly everyone has some sort of reverence to the place they grew up. That's where their memories, families, friends, and/or education were. Every country is screwed up. Everyone gets sick of their hometown. Everyone gets annoyed when the political party they oppose is in power.
It's one thing to be angry about a governmental policy. It's perfectly understandable to disagree with the people who are in control. It's great if you want to go out and struggle for change and make a positive difference in the world. 

But it's stupid to say "I'm the best!" because you were born in a country where things are going right at the moment (I say this because, chances are it won't always be that way). And it's even worse to say you hate a whole other culture because the leaders of that place are doing things you don't agree with. It's an easy way out and I'm sick of it.
Being someone who has been travelling a decent amount in the last few years, I encounter this frequently. I guess being American I should expect this, but I try not to, because I like to think the best of people. But it's true, Americans travelling do not get treated very well in a lot of places by a lot of people.  And it's aggravating. I have had people tell me to my face that they hate all Americans (knowing I was one), before they even ask me how I feel about certain topics or policies that my country has put into place (most of which before I was even old enough to vote!). Because all Americans are the same, right? And all blondes are stupid and all Asian people are Chinese?

Are you really that ignorant? Can you really write off an entire group of people because you can't stand that their country isn't as "perfect" as yours? 

I'm an American, and maybe some of these people have encountered (or seen on TV) a lot of stereotypical obese gun-wielding redneck Americans who don't know how to spell potato but are willing to say women can't have abortions and global warming is a lie, but god-damn are you really going to judge a whole country of  300,000,000+ on that?  I don't go around saying that all Muslims are evil because of 9/11. I don't hate Germans because of WWII 70 years ago. I just don't get it. I don't get when people who come from liberal democracies can go around saying they are better than me (even though yeah, I'm jealous of your health-care and gay marriage), because of the place they were born.
I didn't get to choose, and neither did you!

Now come up with a good argument about why you dislike American governmental policies and choices, and I'll listen to you. But do not start a conversation about how the country you come from is so much better than the country I come from, and in fact, you can't stand anyone from my country at all....

You might get slapped in the face.

Excuse

Using "I'm leaving in ___" as an easy way to defer all of my "problems." I wonder what I'll do when I'm back for real and don't have that excuse anymore.

Places

There are so many beautiful places in the world that it completely overwhelms me. It's like my friends who worry when they think about all the books and how they will never be able to read them all in their lifetime. How will I ever see all these places? How will I even decide which one to see next?

19 or any time

I don’t know what love is. I don’t know what it feels like. It’s been too long for me to be able to resurrect any leftover bits of it and believe that it exists somewhere.

I thought I wanted to be alone, to find who I am, to live selfishly. All I have found is that I am nothing without someone’s perception of me. I am not beautiful on my own. I am not purposeful.

I don’t want to kiss someone else. I don’t want anyone to stay the night.

I want to curl up and watch the Christmas tree lights blur in my vision. I want to eat and spend money and try to find a way to make myself more suitable for the independent situation.

But it doesn’t work. I just see all the other girls who are prettier than I am. Girls who want people to stay the night--who want to kiss whoever wants to kiss them.

I am broke and still alone and I don’t care what anyone says. There is only one person that matters to me and I haven’t even found him yet.

Lily Allen cover of Everybody's Changing by Keane

Weird!

It's pretty strange how after all those years of picking my brother up at obscene hours in the night and loaning him money, I'm now living at home-- calling him to pick me up from the bars and asking him if I can borrow two dollars because he has a job and for the moment I don't. And how my whole life I was the older sister who had her shit together, and now I'm floating around the world without a plan while he's trying to get his life together and preparing to have a kid. I guess you never really know how things will turn out after all...

Dogs

I'm spending too much time with the dogs. There is a pit bull, an overweight schipperke mix and a 6lb chihuahua sleeping with me on a twin bed every night. I don't particularly mind except for their weird snoring sounds and the fact that I can't move. In particular I like cuddling with Ginger because she's almost the size of a person, but I'm fairly sure I'm going to get ring worm soon. I guess it doesn't matter. Who am I trying to impress anyway? I spend all my time with the dogs, and they don't care about my skin's condition.
Yesterday I made Chompy swim in the creek and it was the cutest and thing I've ever seen. I want to do it again today.

Ukraine

After being away from home for four or more months, traveling seems a bit anti-climactic. Everything was already weird. And now another place is weird. Who would have thought. But then at the same time, all the things that would have seemed really strange if you were coming straight from home seem kind of... normal. Because everything is weird now. There is not really any normal.
This being said, Kiev wasn't that weird.
OK. Parts were weird when compared directly with Georgia.
For example:
The Ukranian mullet There are a shit ton of mullets. Like... more mullets than I've ever seen in my life. Everywhere. And there are varying types of mullets. Some are really crazy like Billy Ray Cyrus before Miley. Some are mild. But damn, there were a TON. I tried to count one day and lost track completely after like 20 minutes.
The hot girls There are a lot of pretty girls in Georgia, and in the US and all around the world. Maybe I'm generous with the hottie title, who knows, but in Ukraine it's really undisputed. Before I left, my 11th grade students were telling me how beautiful the Ukrainian girls were and how they were the most beautiful in the world. I assumed they were just sixteen and stupid and knew that Ukrainians are "easy" and most of the prostitutes in Georgia are apparently Ukrainian... but they actually are really pretty! And blonde! Of course there are all types of hair colors, but the blonde really sticks out after being in a country where almost everyone has dark here.
The shitty weather When we left Georgia the weather was pretty good. Hot and sunny. Except for the freak thunderstorms almost every afternoon. In Ukraine, it rained like every day we were there. Everyone said it was weird for that time of year, so we just got unlucky I guess.
The small clothes The girls dress like hoes.
The terrible transportation system Well, maybe the system wasn't that bad. But it was nearly impossible for us to figure out anything without knowing Ukrainian or Russian. Luckily we met people who were incredibly helpful in our hostel and we stayed with other helpful people while couch surfing (that's another tangent I will go on). If it weren't for them, we would probably still be stuck in Kiev right now. In Georgia, the transportation system is really crazy, but there are always people who will try REALLY hard to help even if they speak no English and you speak no Georgian. The Ukrainians were actually not very helpful overall at all.
Unfriendliness We met some really nice and helpful Ukrainians of course, but some were really rude. I guess that's not surprising because I haven't really heard really positive things about Slavic attitudes, but I like to go into things with an open mind so I try to ignore that. Anyway, it was hard to find people who would do easy things like take a picture of us or give directions. Except for the one really creepy man in a track suit who I'm pretty sure tried to abduct us because he took us in a really wrong direction and kept trying to get us to go on the bus with him and then tried to get into the cab with us when we tried to get away. Either that or he was just OVERLY helpful combined with stupid.

So those are some random things I noticed.
Now for the couchsurfing tangent.
So, for those of you who don't know, there is a website www.couchsurfing.org. This website has a bunch of people on it who like traveling and other people who travel and they are like "oh hey, I have a couch, random people if you need to stay somewhere in my town ____ just hit me up and come on over for free! just be nice and not creepy." And then you sign up and you are like "I'm broke but want to go to Odessa, Ukraine, can my three friends and I sleep on your couch?" And if they think you seem cool and not like a sketchy weirdo, they accept your request and give you their address and phone number.
I've heard nothing but good things about this website, so we figured we might as well give it a shot.
And boy was it interesting!
In Odessa we stayed with a gay Ecuadorian (is that a word?) and his roommate/bedmate from Alabama who claims to be straight (and I guess I should believe it for the most part because we hit it off pretty well and so on). Anyway, they were quite friendly and met us by the opera house. Along with the other three people who were also staying there that night (we weren't told how many people would be there). So there were SEVEN of us staying there that night. We assumed that meant big house. Negative. Small flat. With one bedroom for us (seven of us couch surfers and Ecuadorian and Alabama-an) in to stay in. There was another room, but their stripper roommate (with neon orange hair and appropriately named nastia-- "nasty-uh") lived in there and it was off limits. Ecuador and Alabama were quite the drinkers and had a party the first night we were there. I had an excellent time. Drank vodka, stayed up until dawn, hiked around in an abandoned building, kept my friends awake until 5am with my overly loud talking in the living room (oops). Second night, still no sleep. Ecuador broke his hand by accidentally punching through a glass window pane... it was another night with not much sleep. And the lack of sleep combined with the weather sucking made us decide to leave Odessa a day early.
Then in Chisinau, Moldova we stayed with a pleasant 35 year old computer programmer who loved TV and Sci Fi. Talk about polar opposite from the Odessa experience! He also loved tea and Japan and made us "Japanese omeletes" in the morning and bought us tea at an Uzbeki tea-house. And a massive plate of desserts. And gave us Turkish Delights he brought back from his trip to Turkey a few days before. Oh yeah, and there were two bedrooms JUST for us. Complete with pull out beds. And he had is own room. He helped us get train tickets and we stayed up late while he showed us TV shows he liked such as True Blood (which I'd never seen) and The Game of Thrones. We also watched a Tarantino movie. And we go to sleep in. It was like heaven.
So, that is the variety you can get while couchsurfing. I recommend you try it out some time. Not only is it free, but you can meet some really interesting people! And if you have more time and less people there is a lot of selection with who you stay with and if you send some messages back and forth before staying with people you can probably get a better idea of where you are staying (I didn't really do this because a, there were four of us and beggars can't be choosers and b, it was kind of last minute).

That's that. I don't know what else to say!

All your friends are gone

I cried when I landed in Chicago. There were so many houses, and bright blue pools in the backyards, and no soviet block buildings. My friends are gone. I sat for five hours alone, pacing the airport with my heavy bag and sleepy eyes. I boarded another plane. I slept and woke up, moved my legs around in front of my seat. I landed. I almost cried when I saw my mom and my dog at the bottom of the escalator.

Yesterday I didn't leave the house, but to eat Taco Bell.

Today I drove around and I cried because everything was the same but all my friends are gone and when I feel happy because I get a burrito for the first time in five months, no one is there with me.

The people at the stores ask me "how are you?" and make comments on the weather, but all I can think about is "you don't actually care." And when I listen in on conversations, I wish that I couldn't understand English because a lot of girls are so. fucking. dumb. And the guys driving around in their jeeps with the top off and their shirts off aren't any better.

But then I get out of the car, and I walk around campus and things seem really beautiful. Because it is the same, and my dog is so happy to be outside with me, and no one is staring at me because I am the same as everyone else for once.

And that is what it's like to be home.

Ukraine

One of the weirdest trips of my life... Maybe I'll elaborate later.

BFF

--

I'm tired of how I am expected to fawn over every baby I see on the street and say 'what a lovely baby!' even if it isn't all that cute, and how they seem to think it's rude if I make no comment at all. I really don't care about a random baby in a pharmacy or mini-market! I live with a four year old and ten year old and I'm pretty sure just being in their presence has made my uterus shrivel up and die because it is terrified of the prospect of ever procreating.

In other news:
Last night I didn't drink and everyone else did, yet I still found myself in the midst of a supra table sing-along of the US national anthem and America the Beautiful.
Turkish marshmallows are nasty.
In four days I will be in Kiev, Ukraine.
I still haven't gotten my flight home yet. I just want to know so badly so I can start counting the days, hours, minutes until I get a damn burrito. Burritos are haunting my thoughts. It's almost like my brain can't function for more than 1 minute without a little flash of Mexican food like a subliminal message image in a movie.
Yesterday I signed my contract to come back in the fall. So now it's official. Tbilisi, here I come. After two months in Chico with no money. I hope I can find people to hang out with there; all my friends are gone.

Fridays...

After the horrible tragedy that was Katy Perry's E.T. music video, I have been a little bitter. I mean, Cort and I spent a lot of time excited to see that video, and I even remembered to watch it THE DAY it came out.... and then it was awful. Just terrible. After that I've been kind of trying to block it out of my memory, so I didn't even realize she was coming out with another video. And honestly, if I had known, I probably wouldn't have thought it was worth it to use up my 1gb of internet for this month. But... my dear friend Kate back home sent me the link on my Facebook, with a caption that said "Hanson." I was like, huh? Hanson? If Hanson is involved I HAVE to watch it. I'm actually surprised I didn't even know Hanson was going to be in one of her videos... this shows how hard I've been trying to limit my gb usage online. I haven't even been opening their newsletter e-mails or going to their website at all (umm yeah, I'm a nerd). But anyway... I just have to say KATY PERRY HAS TOTALLY REDEEMED HERSELF!

Random fears

Although I've never quite believed in them, Georgia has me convinced that ghosts not only exist, but they are probably in my bedroom. I wake up frequently in the middle of the night, moderately delirious from dreams and hormonal problem night sweats, thinking that there is a ghost in the entryway beyond my bedroom. In daylight, I know that what I am seeing is my puffy white jacket hung up on the coat-rack, with a slight reflection of light on the pane of glass in my bedroom door.
And there is a creaking sound near the foot of my bed.
It's an old house, so I've told myself it's just the old wood. Except for last week I caught a cricket hoping around my room. So now, on top of the ghost problem, I convince myself that there are creatures infesting my room and I swear I hear their little bodies hopping around. But when I get my flashlight and investigate, there is nothing! Or, one morning I woke up with a small nickle-sized mound of dust in a pile. Turns out the creaking in the floorboards was some sort of "powder post beetle" larva eating through the wood, and trying to find a way out.
Another problem I have encountered, is that I can never decide if I should lock my door at night or not. My bedroom has its own entry way from outside. For the first few months I kept it locked, but as I got more comfortable I started locking it less and less. Now, I completely neglect to lock it unless I'm leaving the house for longer than an hour. This, in turn, has made me incredibly paranoid about being bride-napped. Yet, I don't lock the door because in the mornings when I want to sleep in, my host family can come in and see I'm asleep rather than knock and wake me up. But... I check under my bed every night to make sure there are no creepers under there. I think I'm getting overly paranoid.
I'm ready to go back to California where I don't think about ghosts or bugs infesting my room and people don't bride-nap others.

Turn out

Sometimes I try to formulate in my head what I am going to write before I start writing it, but then I just feel like writing is work. Like school or something. And also, I guess if I think too much before I go for it it won't sound normal. My blog is usually just random firings from my brain typed into a white text box, and although I basically come off as a spaz (most likely because I AM a spaz), I think that's probably what makes my blog "mine." So, I'm not going to try to make it sound good. I'm just going to write exactly what I'm thinking. Like, right now I'm thinking about how I always feel so dead and depressed on Sundays when I return to the village after a fun weekend with my friends. And normally it's just the dread associated with another long week of boredom, but this time it's because this last weekend was basically THE LAST WEEKEND with all of my friends.... most likely forever. And I start to feel all nostalgic and wonder how time goes by so quickly (because it's been almost 4 months since we got here, and I don't know how that possibly happened). So I try to imagine what it will be like in the fall when I come back here and no one is left except a couple friends and it's so depressing. And I think about if I will ever see them again, and I'd like to think that eventually in my life we will all see each other again, but who really knows? Is that pessimism? The world is just so big... 
But, it was a good last weekend.
We went to Tbilisi and stayed at our usual hostel and stayed up late and woke up fairly early. Of course with a large group of people, everyone sort of splits up, but we all converge at the hostel again and then the groups change up a little bit, and we all go to dinner together.....
I guess I don't have much to say.
On Friday we drank in the hostel. D was there and when I wouldn't agree to go to Batumi with him, he threatened to kidnap me Georgian style by putting a black thing over my head. Then he continued to beg me to go with him and said he would even put on a leotard and try to dance ballet if it meant I would go with him. I still refused.
Last night we ate dinner at a Thai restaurant. The waiter remembered my name (it was the same restaurant where I met the LyingAboutHisAgeGuy a while back). The power went out so we were in a restaurant lit only by candles until it went back on. We made cookies in the hostel and they were amazingly delicious. I made a new friend who is from a city only a couple hours away from my hometown. We went dancing. When we got back to the hostel the power was out so we hung out in the dark kitchen for a while and then went to sleep.
Today we ate McDonalds. I bought a ring from a man selling things on the street. We hung out in a park. We said our goodbyes to our friends who we won't see again before going home.
Now I'm home. And it's weird that in two weeks this won't be "home" anymore.

Never thought I'd share a bed with P, obviously. We slept this far apart the entire night. Yes, with the little fake Christmas tree between us.

DoctorTrainBeachIceCreamVodkaBeachDoctorIceCream

Doctors:
On Wednesday I had a doctor's appointment in Tbilisi. I have not had my period since the first week I arrived in Georgia. That was three months ago. No, I'm not pregnant. It wouldn't even be possible for me to be pregnant. But still, it's really disconcerting. I know that a lot of things can affect this, like diet and stress and all that, but I don't know. Three months is a really long time. So, I sucked it up and got an appointment. Basically, the doctor's here love ultrasounds. When I was sick a couple of weeks ago with a stomach problem, the doctor in Telavi first thing did an ultrasound on my stomach. In Tbilisi, the doctor's office I went to is supposedly really good, or at least that is what my program told me. The doctor, Nino asked me some questions and then straight away took me to get an ultrasound. There is a whole area of the building that is all ultrasound rooms. So I got yet another ultrasound and they told me I wasn't pregnant (big shock) and declared that I must have a hormone problem. I was then taken to the gynecologist room, where I tried not to panic, and thank god they did not make me have an exam. They just asked me random questions like "do you like sweets? do you eat sweets often? do you eat sweets between meals? do you have any rashes?" Then they decided they needed to do a blood test on me, but I had to come back another day because it needed to be a blood test where I did not eat beforehand. So, I was scheduled to come back on Monday morning. So, yesterday I took yet another day off of school and went to the doctor again. They took a vile of blood from me. Then made me drink a DISGUSTING drink that was warm and sugary and thick and made me want to gag immensely. Then an hour later they took another vile of blood. And an hour after that, a third vile of blood. It was a glucose tolerance test (I googled the letters of the test, because no one thought to tell me what I was being tested for). I also think they are using the blood for some sort of thyroid test. I will hear my results on Friday I guess. I wish I could have taken pictures of the doctor's office, because everyone in the US would probably be shocked by it. There was weird wall paper that was all peeling and it looked like the floor hadn't been mopped in years. Also, the doctor's and nurses all wear crazy heels.

Batumi:
Batumi is the summer destination for Georgians. It's a town on the Black Sea and the government has been putting ridiculous amounts of money into renovating parts of it to make it more of an attraction for tourists. There are all sorts of fountains and statues and the buildings are quite nice. At least that's how it is in one part of town. The rest of the city, including the guest house we stayed in, were basically like the rest of Georgia. Except, I think the streets were actually worse there than in a lot of areas. They were all broken and dusty and dirty. The guest house we stayed in was really pleasant though, and the people who lived upstairs were really  nice and gave us a full breakfast one morning when we went up just to ask for a spoon. The beds were incredibly comfortable and we nicknamed ours (mine and Anita's) "the cloud" because it was so soft and the blankets were amazing. Needless to say, we spent quite a lot of time in the cloud. The rest of our time was basically spent at the beach. We got so much sun it was amazing. The beach itself was pretty much all rocks, and that is uncomfortable, but we found a bar/lounge place that had wooden platforms you could lay on all day, as long as you bought a drink or two. So we did that every day and had a great time. One day, someone even delivered me a free coffee drink. Awesome! Elyse and Shannon got burned on the first day, but luckily I reserved the burn for the last day, which means the train ride home was horrible, but at least I got to enjoy the sun fully the entire trip.

Hippies:
On the third day at the beach, some of our friends somehow came across a group of hippies. 1 American, 1 Australian, 1 Danish and 1 English (I think) all with massive dreads backpacking across the world for god knows how long making money by playing their music in random plazas and streets everywhere they go. They walked up while we were laying on our wood platforms and Elyse writes to me (yeah, we were on our iphones) "where did the pirates come from?" That's basically how out of place they looked. We left Cody with them all day and that evening we met back up and we all (except for the dane and englishman who went to sleep in a park somewhere) went to a restaurant. We drank vodka and beer and the two guys took out their guitar and violin and started playing music. We ended up having some good singalongs including backstreet boys, hanson, fleet foxes and the beatles. Then we made our way back to the beach and went swimming. We then found wood and had a bonfire on the beach, and the cops came and didn't quite not what to make of this event because a) some people were not quite clothed b) there was a fire on the beach c) they had probably never seen dreads before. But we weren't doing anything illegal I guess, so they left us alone. After we ran out of wood (this didn't take long because the only wood we could find was like random bits of palm tree), the sun was already starting to come up so we figured we should go home. The hippies didn't have anywhere to stay (a lot of the time they just sleep outside), so we invited them to our guest house and after getting a lot of junk food, we returned to the cloud and we sat in it eating until the rest of our group arrived (I took a cab with the boys, and the other girls walked because they had to stop and look for a sweater that had gone missing). Then, five of us crammed into our "cloud" which was two single beds pushed together, and we slept for about 2 hours until it was time to wake up and get the train back to Tbilisi.

Stupid:
I missed work yet again today, this for no good reason except for that I'm really stupid. I am actually feeling pretty guilty about it! It happened because yesterday after my doctor's appointment I was running some errands and such (you know, the important things like getting money out of the bank and eating ice cream), and then my friend D said he wanted to hang out but couldn't until 4:30, so I was like ok no big deal. So then he picked me up at the hostel and we went to get ice cream (yes, I got ice cream twice in one day, I'm obsessed with ice cream! I didn't tell the doctor this when she asked me if I eat sweets), and then we ate it in a park. Then he got a call from some workers who were going to his house to fix his bathtub and he had to go right then, so I went with him. So, time passed and then I realize I had been there quite a long time and there wasn't going to be a marshutka back to Telavi anymore! I was like "oh crap, I'm incredibly stupid!" so I texted my co-teacher and said I would try to get on the first one in the morning and just miss the first one or two classes. She said not to worry or be in a hurry, but I still felt like I needed to. My friend let me stay at his house since I didn't want to have to pay for yet another night at a hostel. We had a pretty good time and just hung out and drank some vodka-cranberry (which was so exciting to me, since that is my staple drink in the US but I haven't come across cranberry juice since I've been in Georgia), and we got some food from the store to eat for dinner. The woman at the store wouldn't sell us a certain dish though for some reason. She kept saying I wouldn't like it, and actually refused to give it to us. She told him that if it had just been him she would have given it to him, but since I was a foreigner she wouldn't. Weird. Anyway, this morning I woke up early and tried to get an early marshutka back, but it ended up not leaving as early as it was supposed to because it wasn't filling up quickly (yeah, that's how things work here, nothing is really scheduled, or if it is, the schedule is like a vague plan instead of a set thing). So I ended up missing three of my classes by the time I got back to Telavi and I had a raging headache because my allergies are acting up. I just went to sleep when I came home.  I feel so bad about missing work though!!!!! I've missed so much lately with being sick and the doctor's appointments and meetings all throughout May. Oh well..............

Side note:
People in Georgia stare, A LOT. They don't really make an effort to hide it either. It's especially bad if you are a foreigner. They are just so interested. I'm getting kind of used to it now. But yesterday when I was in the store with D, out of nowhere he was like "You don't especially look like a foreigner. But people stare at you all the time!" And then we had a conversation about it, and I was saying I probably dress like one, and he said no I don't look that different, he can tell when someone looks like they don't belong and I don't look that way, and some foreigners even walk differently (haha) and I don't have anything glaringly foreign about me. So now I just feel weird because he even noticed that people stare at me more than usual (I assumed that they just stared at me because I looked weird here), but it is also cool to know that a real Georgian doesn't think I look like a freak out of place tourist. Ha.