ar vitsi

“Just shut up; I don’t know what you want anymore.”

She shut the door behind herself. She took off her jacket and hung it up, not that it mattered. She unzipped her boots, not that that mattered either. Chunks of mud fell onto the floor as she pulled violently on the heel of her left shoe and nearly fell on the floor. She flung her bag and her scarf onto the bed and rummaged through scraps of paper and candy wrappers in her purse to find the one piece of paper that mattered. Dialing numbers on her phone, she hesitated before pushing send, because what would she say anyway? And after she got the courage, the phone just rang and rang.
It was useless.
So she pushed aside the garbage that had accumulated on the bed and lay on her back staring at the ceiling.

After god-knows how long, and a few mindless wanders to check to see if the fridge was still empty, she walked down the street. People were speaking in languages she couldn’t recognize. People were telling kids to stop running. Old women were lugging bags bigger than themselves. And she had nothing but the cold breath fogging the air in front of her and disappearing. 

10

I keep opening this page with the intention of writing something, but there doesn't seem to be any way I can formulate anything that can possibly compare to what I really mean or how I really feel. When I first came it seemed like everything I was experiencing was novel and unique and I should write it all down because it was funny. And now, I suppose I've become accustomed to most of the things that once seemed strange, because all I can think of is how everything makes me feel and how I want to remember everything but none of it is anything that can be put into words.

It's the way I feel when I wake up and can see the sun rising behind the crack in the curtains; how the Christmas lights looked on Rustaveli tonight when I was riding the bus thinking to myself "I need to remember this" but knowing I really won't be able to within a few months or even a few weeks; how it feels to be spoken to and not understand a word someone is saying, but know what they mean anyway. The way the children look at me between classes and giggle shyly when I ask them a question; the way it feels to have so many people love you undoubtedly for no reason at all.

I want to remember hearing the buses screeching outside of our flat building. I want to remember what it's like to be in a rush in the morning and almost fall down the icy hill. I want to remember the taste of khinkali and khatchapuri and lobio. I want to remember what it feels like to be drunk on chacha and homemade wine.

Today, Papuna told me that in 10 years I will not miss Georgia. I will miss it for a year or two, and then it will just be a memory of a nice time, and it's sad but that is how it is. But I want to miss it. I want to miss all the people I've met and grown to love. I want to remember the smoky bars and clubs and dancing, and getting lost in the nameless streets, and the way the men I tutor laugh at me like I'm crazy.....

I've been feeling depressed for a couple days.
It's cold and dark and I'm leaving in 20 days.

But today I woke up and everything was covered in snow,
and it's so damn beautiful.

Happiness

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if all the happiness I've felt in the last year was some sort of cover-up that I've begun to believe so much that I don't even know what's real anymore. Because how is it possible that after all this time, I'm only now happy? And so happy that sometimes I think I could explode with it? In a place where no one knows me, and I get so stressed and frustrated and feel like I couldn't possibly last another minute. Only to wake up the next day to know that I am living the most wonderful life I could have imagined for myself. And the way the light is coming up behind the ugly flat buildings and beautiful hills makes me appreciate everything I've ever been given, both the good and the bad-- because I'm here, somehow. And soon I'll say goodbye, because life seems to be a series of imminent farewells that will sometimes circle back to delighted hellos but there's no way to know. And if I knew now who was gone forever, maybe I would not want to know anyway.
I have loved so many people, things, places, emotions. I sometimes can't believe it was the truth, and that it wasn't a fabrication of a feeling to make myself suitable for loving and for life. Because I'd rather feel excitement and elation in even the most mundane world than to be pessimistic any longer. And maybe it was an act, because I was falling apart, and I needed to be someone different. Or I grew up, and realized that everything I depended on would fail eventually, and adaptation is simpler in terms of love and acceptance than of futile resistance and anger.
But maybe not. Maybe I just fell in love with the feeling of wind on my face, and eyes wide-open, and with all those who have and will love me while I wander recklessly for a while, feeling for the first time that I'm free.

An open letter

If I could tell you anything, I would tell you not to accept what your culture has laid in front of you.

I would tell you not to settle.

I would tell you that you should keep going, no matter what. 

Don't marry the first man who comes your way. 

Don't give up for the sake of simplicity and societal norms. 

Keep learning. 

Find a way to achieve your goals. 

See more of the world than you ever though you would see.  

Ignore the negativity you will inevitably meet. Don't let the difficulties stand in your way. Don't let anyone tell you you aren't good enough. 

Don't let your mother, or your grandmother, or you great grandmother's choices affect the person you will become. 

Find the light in your life and follow it. 

Don't let any man be your soul source of happiness, because you will be disappointed. 

When someone enters your life, love them, even if they are unpleasant. 

Never take anyone or anything for granted. You have been given more than some people will ever know. 

You are smart, even if you don't think you are. 

You are beautiful, even when you feel ugly. 

Be someone that other would like to know. Don't let your bad days bring anyone else down. 

Keep going. Keep going. Keep going. 

If everything else fails, don't fail yourself. 

Never look back on your life wishing you had done things you didn't do because you were afraid. 

Don't be afraid. You can achieve so much; I know it. 

And if no one else thinks you can make it: I do.

Leaving, leaving, leaving

It's like crying spells mixed followed by excitement followed by anxiety and stress.
I'm broke and I don't even have anywhere to live yet.
I have to wake up in four-and-a-half hours to drive to Sacramento to get on my 7am flight.

And it's been weird being home. And I've been so bipolar about it. Some days it's been awful and I feel annoyed at everyone and everything, and some days I feel like everything is going great and I've met some great people and everything looks so lovely.

I guess maybe it's the lack of sleep and the fact that I probably drank more than I should of last night. But I'm scared. Scared like I used to be when I was 15 years old and felt terrible doom knowing I was going to have to go on an airplane. And I have haven't had good dreams and everything on the news is about 9/11.

And I hate saying goodbye to everyone. I'm just not good at it. And I feel so emotional about it but pretend like I'm not.

And all day I felt like crying whenever I looked at my dog, because he somehow KNOWS and so does my cat and they look at me with their big sad eyes and I feel awful.
It's moments like these that make me feel like I shouldn't leave at all. But maybe that's also my anxiety. Maybe I've lost my mind.

19 or any time

I don’t know what love is. I don’t know what it feels like. It’s been too long for me to be able to resurrect any leftover bits of it and believe that it exists somewhere.

I thought I wanted to be alone, to find who I am, to live selfishly. All I have found is that I am nothing without someone’s perception of me. I am not beautiful on my own. I am not purposeful.

I don’t want to kiss someone else. I don’t want anyone to stay the night.

I want to curl up and watch the Christmas tree lights blur in my vision. I want to eat and spend money and try to find a way to make myself more suitable for the independent situation.

But it doesn’t work. I just see all the other girls who are prettier than I am. Girls who want people to stay the night--who want to kiss whoever wants to kiss them.

I am broke and still alone and I don’t care what anyone says. There is only one person that matters to me and I haven’t even found him yet.

All your friends are gone

I cried when I landed in Chicago. There were so many houses, and bright blue pools in the backyards, and no soviet block buildings. My friends are gone. I sat for five hours alone, pacing the airport with my heavy bag and sleepy eyes. I boarded another plane. I slept and woke up, moved my legs around in front of my seat. I landed. I almost cried when I saw my mom and my dog at the bottom of the escalator.

Yesterday I didn't leave the house, but to eat Taco Bell.

Today I drove around and I cried because everything was the same but all my friends are gone and when I feel happy because I get a burrito for the first time in five months, no one is there with me.

The people at the stores ask me "how are you?" and make comments on the weather, but all I can think about is "you don't actually care." And when I listen in on conversations, I wish that I couldn't understand English because a lot of girls are so. fucking. dumb. And the guys driving around in their jeeps with the top off and their shirts off aren't any better.

But then I get out of the car, and I walk around campus and things seem really beautiful. Because it is the same, and my dog is so happy to be outside with me, and no one is staring at me because I am the same as everyone else for once.

And that is what it's like to be home.

A L

Living in a village there's not much to do. I don't really have any friends; I don't feel like hanging out with my 10 year old host sister.... So, I am left with a lot of free time to ponder the important things in life and evaluate my own beliefs on certain subjects.

This is how I ended up Googling Adam Lambert for a good hour and a half today. I was sitting in my room, minding my own business (so to speak, I don't think anything is "my own business" when I'm online), clicking on links left and right when somehow I stumbled upon something to do with Adam Lambert. Of course I knew who he was thanks to Yahoo and all the weird press that goes along with American Idol (even though I'm pretty convinced that show has been dead for like 8 years now), but I've never really even heard him sing. Anyway, coming across him today I wondered briefly why I have basically ignored him for the past couple of years. I mean, he basically is everything I could ever want in a person. He can sing (apparently) and is a good looking and incredibly flamboyant gay male. The fact that I have never looked him up before is absolute ridiculousness on my part. I cannot emphasize enough how much I love people like this. Needless to say, I decided to start from the beginning of the Adam Lambert saga and watch some of his American Idol performances. Yep, he has a really good voice and was a nice change from what I remember most American Idol people being like (I don't usually admit this, but I did in fact watch the first two seasons of the show; my excuse is that I was in jr high).

Next step, Wikipedia. I read the entire Wikipedia page for him. I just had to make sure he didn't have any glaring defects that couldn't be accounted for by metal psychosis or extreme alcohol drug use (because if he wants to be a rock star, this can be overlooked). Basically he seemed like he had a pretty normal life, and then after a week at Burning Man and doing mushrooms he decided to audition for American Idol. I don't know what the hell type of person goes to Burning Man and comes back with a revelation about American Idol. But this weird connection alone makes me feel like he is a decent person. The entry basically ended on a note about his Finnish boyfriend, so I had to Google that guy and make sure he was acceptable. He seems fine (based on appearances alone).

I guess it's kind of ridiculous that I had to get a background on the guy before I even thought to look up his actual music. But I'm kind of glad I did, because if someone doesn't seem like a complete douche from their Wikipedia entry, then I'm likely to be more open minded to their music. For example, Ke$ha's Wiki entry is incredibly ridiculous in my expert opinion. I feel like the entire article is an attempt to justify her status in the music world. Rather than just being factual and informative, there is a definite sense that whoever wrote it knows she's hard to take seriously. Here is a quote from her Wikipedia article: "Kesha has also expressed frustration at the double standard for the objectification of women in music. Thus, in songs such as "Blah Blah Blah" and "Boots and Boys", she makes it a point to sing the same way men traditionally sing about women."  I'm finding it a little over the top that someone is needing to add this to her Wikipedia entry. I don't know, maybe I'm just a bitch!

Back to the point. Next step was watching all of Adam's (now I'm on a first name basis because I've got a good history, therefore we are BFF) music videos. I don't have any idea of the chronology of his singles because I skimmed over that on Wikipedia. I don't like dates! But the first video I watched was "Whataya want from me." And while that was loading (because it takes forever to load videos on my crap Georgian cell phone company mobile internet modem) I lurked a few pages of his Twitter. Looks like he is on there A LOT. Which means he's probably just as boring as I am on a regular basis. I decided to "follow" him on Twitter... and I'm PRETTY selective about who I follow. So that means I'm opening my heart to this fellow... unless his posts get annoying, in which case he will be axed! The video loaded and I watched and enjoyed it immensely. He looked really good and although his acting seemed pretty shitty, I didn't even mind! I think that most pop stars usually have at least one good song, so I needed to put it to the test and watch all of the videos.

Next up were "For your entertainment" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsPFDzAGb4A)  and "If I had you." (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmXQFwlD7vk)  Both of which I am completely obsessed with now. I'm turning fangirl on this guy at the most rapid pace I've ever experienced. I'm actually kind of ANNOYED at how much I love these songs and videos. First off, with both of them I was a little unimpressed by the lyrics at first, but then suddenly I had a change of heart and thought each song was the best thing since sliced bread (which is something I could go on a tangent about as well, because I haven't had any in so damn long). Not to mention his wardrobe in both videos... I'm dying. That's how pleased I am by his clothes. In "For your entertainment" he is wearing a ton of leather, including a h studded and spiked shoulder pad thing on his right shoulder. I'm in love. I want one and a good excuse to wear it. In the video for "If I had you" his hair resembles a strange bird's feathers and his outfits are completely absurd. Everyone is dressed crazily and dancing in the middle of a forest. Adam's make up is the cooler and crazier than usual. I'm impressed. His leather spike and studden jacket in the parts where he is wearing white pants is AMAZING. I haven't been this jealous of a studded spikey thing since Britney's jacket in her video for "Till the world ends" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzU9OrZlKb8). His videos are like a mix of trashy Ke$ha and Lady Gaga or something. But he's a guy. And super hot. I'm definitely in love with him.

My research is complete. I have "liked" him on Facebook.

As I wrote this, it also occurred to me, that this is the exact reason that I will probably never have a boyfriend again. And we thought it was bad that I liked Hanson so much......