I'm home

Nothing much changes in this town. The buildings get painted and old signs get replaced. The leaves fall off the trees and in a few months they come back. The people are the same. The bars are the same. There are places I avoid because I know that I will see the same people I've seen for years, doing the same thing they've always been doing, with seemingly no goals or aspirations and endless glasses of beer or whiskey.
Then there's me, and I have no goals or aspirations, either.
I just don't want to be reminded.

So I'll sit at home with my dogs. And cry a little bit when I think of Georgia, and try to remember every little detail of riding the bus down Chavchavadze, because soon I won't remember much at all. I think about saying goodbye. And walking through old town laughing even though it was hard. And watching Lydia walk away from me down the stairs crying. Sitting in the front seat of the cab, watching Tbilisi flash by me for the last time--the television tower glittering and the churches glowing, like they always do. Thanking the cab driver and dragging my luggage into the airport, realizing that was probably the last Georgian I'd speak in a long, long time. And feeling incredibly lonely.

little bits

Living in Tbilisi is basically the best thing ever. It's like I'm living a normal life for the most part. I can do whatever I want. I can go wherever I want, whenever I want. I cook my own food. I shower when I feel like it. It's great.
School could be better. I could be doing more. I could have books. I could be more respected by the crazy 6th graders. But it's not terrible, and compared to what it was like before in the village I can't complain at all.
I feel generally happy. I get a little sad when I think about December and leaving and knowing that this time I won't be coming back. I try not to think about it. I don't know how I'm going to be able to stay content in Chico after living somewhere I think is so great and lovely for the most part, but I'll figure it out.

In other news; Lydia and I have spent so much time watching bad music videos from 10 years ago that it's ridiculous. And about half of our conversations are dominated by "what should we be for Halloween?" I am pretty sure I'm going to be a unicorn, but not quite sure I'll be able to pull it off. Especially with not knowing how to get anything I want to get for it while in Georgia. Like, do they have tinsel here? They must, but where? Who knows? Or like, the strongest hair spray ever. And body glitter.
Today we bought a hair straightener after complaining about how we wished we had one for the past almost-a-month. It cost more than I probably should be spending on a hair straightener, but I'm just that vain.
We eat pasta every day. And friend potatoes a lot. And khatchapuri way more than I should ever admit to anyone.

7

It's sad, I guess, because it's my cat's 7th birthday and if I think about everything (everything) that has come to be since my cat was given to me I can't even explain anything at all. But I love him and I'm far away and I think somehow my cat is exactly who I am as a human even though maybe a lot of people wouldn't understand or even agree.
I am 22 and when I got my cat it was my 16th birthday. I could try to describe every moment of that day because I remember most of it EXACTLY, but I've drank a bit and who even cares anyway? The guy I liked ditched me at a dance, the guy I cared about most is married now and my friends are scattered everywhere. But Desi (my cat) remains and I think about him and smile because he's the first thing I've loved more than myself in so long I don't even know.

As for Georgia, I think we found somewhere to live. And we've made some new friends. And we've eaten so much acharuli khatchapuri I think I will gain 15pounds again in like 2 weeks. It's hard to say what's different and what is the same. I miss my friends I made last time so much I feel like I might explode. I miss my friends form before that so much I might explode. I miss people who I've known forever and who live in Chico again so much I might explode. I don't mind living in the hostel except for how much money I'm losing. I like being here where new people arrive constantly and every now and then people I know walk through. Or even the owners who I'm friends with walk through. If it weren't for them, we'd still be homeless. Because after less than 1hr, our friends here helped us find somewhere to live and drove us to the apartment and translated what the woman was saying to us. All we had to do to repay them was buy them a little bit of food.
And just now, a Israeli man in the hostel brought us some dates and almonds because they like them in Israel. Which is funny because it reminds him of his home, and it reminds me of my home because of the almonds. And that is what travelling is like. And I love it so much. 

All your friends are gone

I cried when I landed in Chicago. There were so many houses, and bright blue pools in the backyards, and no soviet block buildings. My friends are gone. I sat for five hours alone, pacing the airport with my heavy bag and sleepy eyes. I boarded another plane. I slept and woke up, moved my legs around in front of my seat. I landed. I almost cried when I saw my mom and my dog at the bottom of the escalator.

Yesterday I didn't leave the house, but to eat Taco Bell.

Today I drove around and I cried because everything was the same but all my friends are gone and when I feel happy because I get a burrito for the first time in five months, no one is there with me.

The people at the stores ask me "how are you?" and make comments on the weather, but all I can think about is "you don't actually care." And when I listen in on conversations, I wish that I couldn't understand English because a lot of girls are so. fucking. dumb. And the guys driving around in their jeeps with the top off and their shirts off aren't any better.

But then I get out of the car, and I walk around campus and things seem really beautiful. Because it is the same, and my dog is so happy to be outside with me, and no one is staring at me because I am the same as everyone else for once.

And that is what it's like to be home.

Different planet

Every once in a while, I feel really weird. Not really depressed or anything. It just kind of hits me like "you are really far away from home and nothing makes sense." Mostly, it happens when I'm sitting in the living room looking at the unknown food in front of me and thinking "well, might as well try it!" and then it ends up being something like a massive hot dog that isn't shaped like a hot dog. And I really hate hot dogs. Actually, I think this was the most nauseating thing I've eaten since I've been here! Even grosser than the raw fish with it's head on the plate in front of me! But, now I've learned my lesson and will not eat it in the future.
And then other times I wish I was at home:
the middle of the night (or like midnight) when I'm really craving something I could easily get at Safeway but don't even know if they would sell in this country,
when I don't know where I would buy a certain thing (most things),
when I can't go anywhere without getting a ride (am I 15 again??),
when there is snow everywhere and I'm freezing,
when I want Taco Bell (frequently),
when I can't understand a word anyone is saying and cannot even express to anyone how I feel or even communicate a simple sentence like "Temuri is really funny, what is he trying to say to me?"
So, sometimes it basically feels like I'm on a different planet. I guess I've never been away from everyone I know for so long or really at all. But, I can call all my other TLG friends for free and it helps a lot because man, sometimes you just need to speak in English and be able to use slang or even regular terms that are beyond seventh grade vocab.

So now that I've complained a bit about everything being weird and different. I will list some good things.
Today:
I got off work ridiculously early, at like 12:45 and came home and had the house to myself. But I basically just hung out in my bedroom... the power was off all day too, so I couldn't even take a shower or go on my computer. But it was still nice to relax.
I was in my room at dinner time and Shorena sent me a text from the living room saying "please come to the supper" which made me laugh.
Talked on the phone with Cort and got a lot of hilarious texts from him.
Was entertained by Temuri (the 4 yr old) after "supper," he likes to mimic English words like "OK" every time I say them, in fact he is just very interested in me in general. He talks to me for long periods of time in Georgian even though I have no idea what he's saying. He also likes to sing and dance around the living room and acts shy when I look at him doing it. He's really adorable.

Ok. Well I'm done for  now. Tomorrow we have the day off for Mother's Day, so I am planning to go into Telavi and meet up with Cort and Ryan. Then on Friday night, we are going to Tbilisi for the weekend! Hurray!

Packing up everything I own is a daunting challenge. I have to admit, I'm procrastinating a ton. I have under 2.5 weeks to get everything I own into a storage unit and leave the country. I also have under 2.5 to hang out with everyone I know. I feel constantly busy, except for today because I'm just sitting around going through stuff trying to decide if I REALLY want to keep it, or if I can donate it to Goodwill. I am really too sentimental. Do I need to save a random candle holder that my friend gave me in 7th grade? I guess not.... but what if I want it for some reason later and don't have it!?!?!
I think the worst part is imagining not living in my condo anymore. After 3.5 years it's more of a "home" than pretty much anywhere else in the world. And soon I won't have it anymore! It's sad, but exciting.
I am so excited to go to Georgia. But nervous. And what do I even pack??? I'm not sure how to prioritize my clothing, because I love it all. And shoes... that will be DIFFICULT.